Last Breath { songfic }

Let me preface this by explaining what a songfic is. A songfic is a work of fiction that is interspersed with the lyrics of a relevant song. In this case, I used the song Last Breath by Ensiferum. It has been one of my most-listened-to songs for the past couple of weeks. There's just something about the sound and the story that has inspired me to make something, so I decided to write this. It's been a while since I've written anything fictitious for fun.

When it came to war, there was no other choice than to leave home and fight. All of the men went; some of the younger men, and even some of the women went. In this age, the majority of us were honed for battle, anyway. I don't really remember why we were fighting this time. I think it was a rival clan coming to take our lands again, take our women and our fortifications again as they have done for decades. Like always, though, we would just knock some sense into them. Despite thinking this, there was a little more blood on the ground than usual. The last few skirmishes were quick, a few hours tops, but this one had already lasted nearly a day. I don't recognize the arms of the men we clash with. Perhaps they were Saxons still angry that we raided earlier in the season? Perhaps they think that we were relaxing and not on our toes? We were always ready. Well, mostly.

I wasn't ready for this aspect of battle. See, I had been involved many times, and I had done well to defend what was ours. There was even that one time I nearly claimed a Saxon's head! In my stories, though, I did claim it. My son really admires my tales from battle. He's still just a farmboy, but he's eagerly awaiting his time to earn his seat in Valhall. Regardless of all that story-spinning and glory, I had never experienced what many men had experienced in battle: being seriously wounded.

I was laid on the ground, my hands going numb at my sides and my vision beginning to blur as battle raged on all around me. I could feel a sharp pain in my side, and I could feel the strange heat of blood as it stained my weathered skin red. As I looked around at my brethren continuing to brawl, yell, slash, and kill, I could see just how much warm blood covered this cold, harsh land of our fathers. Warm, fresh blood from both sides was quick to rain down upon the earth as metal met flesh on the battlefield.

There was a moment where I just closed my eyes and exhaled, the sounds of war fading. I imagined my family back home. My hardworking, determined son and my beautiful, plump wife. I imagined that I was still there, instead of here; that I was maintaining the fire in our humble home while she cooked, probably whale. It was a desirable daydream. I was not ready to not go back. I was not ready for Valhall. Then I imagined their reactions when I returned, a corpse. Don't cry for me, my son, and don't cry for me, my love, because I'm not the only one lying in my own blood. Save your sorrow for something more, put it into your love and determination. Where I go from here, you can't follow. This journey through death I must make on my own.

When the fantasies of my homestead subsided, the sounds of shouts and surrenders returned. Through a blurry stare, I watched on as man after man, boy after boy, and woman after woman were felled. This time it seemed that we were on the losing end. Did the opposing warriors have more men? Turning my gaze towards the sky, I prayed to whoever would listen. Odin. Tyr. Hell, even Loki. Let not my people live on like this. Let them escape the fear of oppression and loss. I continued to think and mumble and do whatever I needed to with these thoughts and prayers, hoping any of them would hear.

I suddenly recalled something my father's father used to say, used to live by. Every time something went wrong, he would shrug and tell us, or himself, "The darker the night, the more beautiful is morning's light." It had to have been a sign from the gods, that they had heard me. That was the only explanation why the thought was so suddenly brought forth in my mind. I must keep telling myself that, and I must remember that the darker the night, the more beautiful would be morning's light. It was a good philosophy, and I was certain that many of the others still fighting on against those fiends or themselves held something similar in mind. I tried to smile, I tried to thank those who listened and those who still fought when the distant sounds of battle faded away once again, this time into a more permanent nothingness.

Silence had to be the worst part of the whole experience. Was I finally dying? I could hear nothing, I could feel nothing, I could barely think anymore. Finally, I felt ready for Odin's hall. Whatever was holding me back before–my pain, my fear, my home–was no longer tied to me, leaving me one last place to go. I had fought well, I had thought well, and now I would die well. I’ve bled so many times for this land, and, as I laid there in silence, there was no uncertainty in my mind that this wound would claim my life. It was then that I knew Death was coming, and he commanded me to give my hand. As my vision blackened, I could hear a mixture of new sounds. It seemed as if rain had suddenly begun to fall, soaking the world and its warriors, the blood melting into the mud. The most foreign sound, however, was singing. "Fear no more." I heard.

"Just let go." From another direction, a new voice rang.

"Adore this world,"

"once more." Many voices were melting together, their words running into each other. The vocals were that of women; or were they angels?

"The truth unfolds,"

"in the Ancient Halls." These were no angels. They were Valkyries. Forcing my eyes open, I could see the light of the lady warriors of the slain picking and choosing those who would accompany them for an afterlife of well-earned glory. Would they come for me? Had I earned my place as I thought I had?

“Fear no more.”

“Just let go.”

Darkness swallowed me once more. Left alone in my dying silence in the rain, I could only wait for my Valkyrie to fly me away, but there was no other shimmer of light in that pouring rain. I finally closed my eyes, and I couldn't help but to wonder if it everything had been in vain. With that final, unsatisfying thought, I took my last breath.

Honestly

Honestly, I should probably cry,

but I’ve wasted enough tears on you.

Honestly, I should be surprised,

but this has happened too many times before.

Honestly, I should be angry and upset,

but I’m only indifferent and disappointed.

I suppose that once you’re estranged,

it’ll never change,

and I don’t know why

I honestly thought that

one day could make up for twenty years.

Art is Anarchy (to Me)

It's been a while. With this semester nearing its end, I've had to devote plenty of time to my classes and artwork. In fact, some of my artwork, as in some of my out of school personal work, is what brought me back to this blog. As you may have noticed, I have changed the color scheme and header of my blog.

I have been wanting to redesign my own personal logo for a long time, but I was unable to redesign the logo in a way that really stuck with me. In the end, I just liked the original too much. However, despite that, I have been wanting something a little different and a little better, so instead of changing it altogether, I merely maintained the shapes and altered a few lines and colors.

The image on top is my original design from about three years ago, and the image beneath it is the alteration that I created yesterday. As you can see, the differences are subtle, but I also feel like the new design is a little more successful. It's thicker and a bit simpler, so I think it's a bit easier to read.

Some of you looking at the image may recognize it from somewhere, and you should. Sure, it's easily the letter "A" inside the letter "O" to represent my initials, but there is also some other familiar iconography present. Some may place it immediately, and some may not. Here, I'll make it simpler:

The symbol I have posted above is the most recognizable anarchist symbol, I think. The "Circl-A" has been in use by anarchists since the mid-1800s. The "A" stands for "anarchy," and the "O" stands for "order." The whole symbol is supposed to read as "the mother of order," or something like that. (I think it's interesting, really, that the symbol reads as the origin of order when anarchy is usually defined as disorder.) Regardless of the history of the symbol, I like it because of the dictionary definition of what it represents.

Google defines anarchy as "a state of disorder due to absence or nonrecognition of authority; absolute freedom of the individual" and accompanies the definition with a few synonyms. My favorite of the synonyms is the first one: "lawlessness." You see, at the end of the day, art is anarchy to me. Why?

Well, when you think about it, is there really one true, solid definition of "art?" Is there ever honestly one straight answer to "What is art?" Everyone views art differently and in a way that pertains to them. Sure, there are definitely principles, elements, and guidelines to art that are taught in educational settings in the hopes that they may stick in the back of an artist's mind to maybe be heeded and used in their later work. Some famous examples would be like comparing Michelangelo to Pollock, or even Picasso to Warhol, or Banksy to Duchamp. It's all art, and it's all renowned art by respected artists, however whether or not their work conforms to what you think art really is, is exactly what proves my point.

Art is lawless. Art is anarchy. It is this simple belief of mine, plus the convenience of the letters required in the Circle-A matching the letters of my initials, that make my logo so outstanding to me. It's so simple, yet so personally meaningful, and I really love it. It will likely stick around for several more years longer and, hopefully, even longer than that.

Art Takes Time!

I saw someone on the Internet getting a lot of negative comments about their art work, and it was making them question their worth and value as an artist. It made me both really sad and quite angry. The art world gets enough flak as it is, you know? When I see kids online getting spit on for showing off what they're proud of, despite their current level of development, it just hurts me.

So I contacted this kid and had a little chat with them. I really liked what I said, and they were really appreciative, too. I want to share it on my blog for that off chance someone who needs it stumbles across it.

This is essentially how it went:

"You were worrying about your work earlier, and the way people were reacting to it. Well, let me tell you that those people are wrong and just mean. Here, let me show you some things."

I proceeded to show them some of the first pieces of art I ever uploaded to a website. For example:

    

"I was eleven and twelve years old when I created these. They were masterpieces, to me; I was so proud. Honestly, even now, when I look back, they're not terrible for that age range. I was at a pretty decent level of development at the time, but in comparison to what I was capable of a few years ago and what I am capable of now, they're terrible! When I look back at stuff like this, I both laugh and cringe for the aforementioned reasons, as do most artists when they recall their ancient work.

"I've come a long way, you know, and it's all because of practice, hard work, and the aid of educators."

All of this began more visuals of my growth as time went on, for this kid was in such a low place, they sincerely thought that growth was impossible.

    

The above are examples of my first time creating digital art. I had explained that I am currently pursuing graphic design and that it all started with my fascination with this type of art. It was extremely difficult using and becoming comfortable with a graphics tablet, but I got the hang of it eventually. As you can already see, I was becoming better at drawing. These images are just a couple of years newer than the original drawings further up. I was probably fourteen when I started experimenting with this.

It goes on, though! When I got into high school, I discovered a club about digital art. I figured I would check it out and maybe learn a few things considering I was truly interested and very inexperienced. This began my more formalized journey into learning art and becoming the artist I am still discovering today! It was in these classes that I was introduced to a new type of digital art called vectors. (Vectors are pretty much the coolest things since they are completely scalable! No pixelation here!) It was probably the hardest thing for me to learn. I sincerely hated Adobe Illustrator (the program used to make said vectors) during the first few projects; however, the more I used it, the more I fell in love with it. Vectors make up the majority of my current art, however I have not given up digital drawings.

    

These are some of my first vectors. Can you see the progression still? Perhaps another two to three years has passed since the last set of examples. Allow me to show some of my recent work–some of my favorite pieces that I've done lately, about five or so years later and in no particular order.

  

    

The above are recent examples of my digital work, both vector and digital drawing. I love these pieces so much, and I know that in a few years, I will have better things that I love even more. This past summer, I took a still life drawing class for my degree, and I am currently in a life drawing class for my degree. These classes were my first formal traditional drawing classes to ever take. I was afraid of them, and I was so worried that my skills with a computer may not translate well with merely pencil and paper. I was wrong. However, despite that wrongness, I still learned so much. I am slowly changing as an artist. I am becoming skilled in ways I never thought I would ever be skilled.

    

    

I have been drawing for as long as I can remember, and that has definitely played a role in my development. These images showcase roughly seven to eight years of growth, development, and experience as I continued to practice and learn in multiple environments and with multiple mediums. Every day I continue to draw, and I continue to surprise myself with my progress. I surprise myself by doing what I never thought I could. 

Art takes time, practice, and dedication. If you love it, pursue it. It will be a long, grueling process, but as time goes on, your growth will literally be visible to your naked eye and to those who watch and encourage you. Take the time to draw at least a little something every day, make a habit of learning something new and practicing it until you feel like you have it down. Listen to the advice people who are at a higher skill level have, because they were once where you are. Art is hard work. Everyone who is "great," and "amazing," and any other fantastic adjective you can think of will tell you; every artist you admire will say the same thing, too. 

Remember, there is no such thing as "bad art," there is merely "inexperience." 

Blegh.

With sickness comes an extreme lack of willingness and inspiration.

This may be just a head cold, but it's completely dampened my whole weekend.

I'm so thankful that I just happened to be finished with the hardest part of my homework the night before I woke up with this mess.

Blegh.

I will revive my blog soon.

Pulling Ahead!

My "beating procrastination" techniques are working!

I am way ahead in my academic studies and assignments for this whole week.

This isn't a very insightful post, so treat it like a sort of milestone marker of sorts?

It feels great to be on top of my game.

Good Advice and Rubber Cement

http://www.aiga.org/after-school-special/

We had to read the above article and write a reflection in my graphic design class today. I liked what I wrote, so I thought I'd share it here, too!

I will just go chronologically through the first few of the list since time is a factor, as I feel that each piece of advice could be truly applicable to me in some sense, whether it is an asset I feel I possess, or an asset I would do well to learn. In saying this, allow me to begin with the beginning. Number one.

The first piece of advice listed in the article states that the theory and practice of art and design differs and mean completely different things inside and outside of academia. Within an academic setting, as stated by the article, you are in competition with your peers, in a sense, when it comes to unique creativity, and in the real world, you work together with your peers to create a unique piece that draws the eye of your client. I like to think I understand this a little bit more than others my age may since I have had a little experience working in a real world design environment. I have had hands-on learning and guidance with professional design, in-house design, and a set clientele. With this sort of knowledge, there is never such a thing as “knowing it all,” though, because every firm is different, and every professional design environment will ask so many different things of a person. I have much to learn, in the long run, but I’ve had a decent kick off.

Habits are things that matter to everyone, artist or not, and can easily make or break you. To develop a good habit, the article says the sooner you attempt it, the better. It’s true, you know. The more you do something positive, the better you’ll do whatever that task is, and once you do it long and good enough, it will become ingrained almost permanently. Personally, I feel like I have a lot of bad habits that I need to outgrow. Because of these habits, the worst being laziness and procrastination, I struggle with maintaining the academic lifestyle I’d like. I am doing what I can to get out of these habits in a number of ways. In due time, I will have my own positive routine to counteract the life I’ve led over the past few years.

Positivity is huge when interacting and dealing with people, especially strangers. No one cares about your insecurities and idiosyncratic tendencies if they’re outside of your personal social circle. Optimism in a work environment is the best way to go. As the article states, no one really wants to work around someone who is always negative about their work or situation, or even just complaining about every little thing. I feel like, over the past few years, that I have become more and more positive and optimistic about certain things. I can remember a time when I was nothing but a girl with the darkest mood, and I never thought anything good would ever come out of me or anyone around me. Socializing with more people and taking classes where I could see my own personal strengths, weaknesses, and growths has improved my outlook on life immensely. Granted, I still have a ways to go in the sense that I can still be quite anxious about a lot of things, especially when my work doesn’t go the way I plan it to.

This fourth piece of advice is my favorite. Learn to write. It’s huge in any field, really, to have goo communication skills. All those language classes that so many love to hate? Well, they’re in place for a reason, and when you perfect (or at least come close to perfecting) your use of grammar, spelling, and syntax, among other writing elements, you become the better definition of “literate.” If you can communicate well, be it through oral or written mediums, you can only excel in the world around you. Being literate when it comes to writing opens new doors for opportunity, for suddenly you are capable of conveying and sharing your ideas, concepts, and designs in a whole new way. I love to write, and I do what I can to write often, so I feel like I adhere strongly to this piece of advice.

The value of working harder and understanding the difference between work and play, and even understanding that work can be considered play in some situations, is something that everyone can benefit from. I feel like I can benefit from it, too. With this, I can kind of refer back to the habits portion of this reflection, since the harder I work, the better I become at overcoming my nasty habits and setting up a proper routine for my life. The more you work and focus on something, the greater your chances are to adhere to what you strive to obtain.

Ignoring the naysayers, or those that constantly doubt you, your work, or your skills, is huge. It is difficult to ignore such a blatant expression of pure doubt and distaste. When someone constantly tells you it’s not good enough, or you’re not good enough, can take a huge chunk out of your personal self-esteem and self-worth. However, by getting to the point where you’re confident in yourself and your work, you know better than to let all of that pull you down. I am working hard to get myself to that level, as well. I am working hard to understand that I am good enough to push past the doubt and prove myself to those who need or may want to see it.

There are lots of great things to be heard and learned in the world of design and the world of just simple and great advice. As humans, we are constantly learning and struggling. I learned something interesting, recently. This past weekend, I panicked hard because a pretty big project was not turning out the way I wanted. Essentially, I was to the point of mounting images to a board, and I was using rubber cement as adhesive due to its elasticity and ease of movement after placement. I had dripped a massive drop on the board where it was not supposed to be. Naturally, I freaked out even more. How was I supposed to get that stuff off? After I calmed down a bit, I finished the project with the kind help of my best friend and waited a while for everything to dry. The nasty blob of adhesive rolled off of the board like it was nothing.

In the end, there was nothing to worry about, and after having read that article today, I realized that you could compare life to rubber cement in a pretty abstract way. Most things seem and sound so permanent. Cement is in the name, after all. However, after you give things time to dry off and cool down, it's so much easier to fix and peel off than when it was still gross, wet, and easy to mess up further.

I don't know, I just had a bad weekend that was only bad because I thought too hard about the wrong things. I'm thankful for this reflection.